DIARY
Hello!!! It may not be so gramatically correct . and hi to anyone reading this that knows me personally!! maybe you can figure out who some of the people are👀 It goes in order of the most recent entry to the first entry.
March 8, 2026
I honestly ended up regretting what I said the other day, because things got better. They got really better. But, now things feel bad again, and I can't tell if it is my fault or if I am being subject to some type of manipulation. Hard to tell. I hope things will be okay, or I hope they will just end so that I can move on..
I am trying to be more open with myself and my emotions without feeling cringe about it. I feel super bored today.. I want to hang out with some friends I don't have or just get a response from the boy I like.. I want to move on, and I want to be content with being alone right now, but it is one of those days where I feel like talking to someone, as much as I don't want it to be. I usually am pretty fine with being alone, I actually prefer it most of the time. So why do I feel like this??? UGHH.. IT SUCKS!! I also made this Minecraft realm the other day and only one of my friends has even played with me on it since then, and I have invited at least 8 people by now. I already played it alone today for an hour or two, which kept me entertained enough until now. I made a super long pathway from the spawn I marked with this giant tower of dirt blocks (my friend told me I was pretty accurate to marking the spawn when joined in) to where I built the starter house. I found a good place for the main base. It is this giant island type of thing, a mountain island, surrounded by another mountain all around it with cherry blossom biome. I am not good at describing settings so just bear with me xD. I wanna build bridges from the surrounding mountains to the main mountain in the middle. and there will be a huge base (maybe some type of castle, idk, something out of my imagination) right on the middle island!! I am really excited to play it and I hope that my friends play it more often. I invited some people whom I am not very close with now to it, as well. I hope they will play and we can be friends again, even if it is only through small interactions in a game. I miss them a lot, most of them.
I told some people they could maybe come to my house for a sleepover next weekend if I get my room cleaned, but i truly don't feel like cleaning it at all. I just want to have fun doin the things I like. Cleaning isn't even a problem, because I do it when I am bored or really stressed out. I just don't feel like cleaning my room yet. I already did my bathroom but not my room. Maybe it will disappoint them, but I really don't want them to come over rn. I want to spend time with my other friends now because I already had a sleepover with them last weekend. Idk. I can't say much more about it. I'll never be able to explain anything fully while knowing that some people I know irl have the ability to see this website and know that it is me writing this. I really want that one guy to leave me alone at school, and I really want the boy I like to come BACK to school. But I am afraid that he is just being fake and using me so as to not be bored. Oh well. I guess I am doing the same, just a little, not too much. I really do like him. I've been quite giddy over him the past few days. I even wrote a lot about him in my diary; how much I like him, and how much I hope he likes me. The memories I want to come true. Something so distant from my own reality, but I have this gnawing feeling that maybe; just maybe; they could become real.
Glad that by doing this, I can practice my typing. My worst keys gotta be c and z and x and p and b
Lol it like those losing lottery numbers you see on the bottom of a scratch ticket.
I miss being able to be creative with myself and others, I feel really lost from that today. Maybe I should add to my scrapbook!! My 12x12 scrapbook! Oh my goodness i forgot! I should definitely do that. I wish my room was cleaner to do it. I think I will print some pictures for it at least.
Look, this is out of the context of the text above, so don't think it pertains to it in any way. It is for something unrelated, but I will always remember. Though, it could apply to anything.
March 5, 2026
I really hate guys who pretend to like me because they are bored. and then after making me feel like I am their friend, they push me away
I am feeling really hurt tonight.
February 16, 2026
Today, I feel a bit aggravated. I don't know. I feel like I am holding onto something that I will never have. I want to live on my own so badly. Will I ever get to? It doesn't even all pertain to that. I also mean that I am holding on to so many other things. My best, and only true friend, lives in a different state. I wish, I WISH, he lived near me or that I lived near him. Honestly, the latter, since he goes to a big school with nice classes, like, in one of them, there are computers that are just NORMAL and don't block everything under the sun. He plays roblox on them a lot. DUde, it would be so much fun if we had all of our classes together. I'd definitely join band there.HMM, if he played an instrument, what would it be? I think maybe percussion. Yeah, that sounds right, but I could also see him playing literally any other instrument besides a select few, honestly. But he has the energy most kin to a percussionist xD. I really do wish that we went to school together. It would be so fun, and we could go to places outside of school and hang out together. Maybe I'd make more friends there!
I cried to my mom last night about how I have no friends at school and how I am so sick of always pleasing everyone around me. I have a habit of letting go of experiences because of my family not wanting to do, go places with me, or take me anywhere. My aunt is the best one, she is supportive of me, and she offers to take me places. I'm really grateful to have her in my life. I think that's why I feel extra bad when she doesn't want to take me somewhere. I wanted to go to this honor band, but my aunt, I could just tell that she didn't want to go, even though she said she would. She told me that she would try to take off work for it. So, I told her I changed my mind, and I dont want to go anymore. Unfortunate. I always do this type of thing so as to not inconvenience others. It makes me feel awful. I don't want to annoy anyone, because I have felt myself to be a nuisance most of my life. I still feel this way. I am trying to get over this, but it takes time and experiences. I think it is a factor playing in to my act of distancing myself from others completely every once in a while. I really just want friends at school. I sat where I said I would, but nothing changed. I still feel excluded. It has been only a day, I know that, but I still feel this way. Nothing I do can make them accept me. I wish I had my best friend. I even wish my childhood friend would be here, but she has gone completely offline. She even changed her phone number. I have no way to contact her. I feel really down about this. I miss her a lot.
Like I have said before, I want to go to prom, but it feels pointless when I have no friends and no date. The boys around here are all too ashamed to date me, because I am not so conservative as they are. I also feel that I am not attractive enough for them to want to be with someone whom is not conservative and christian. I want to be with someone with similar viewpoints as me, but there not many people around here like that. The ones that come close, they really go for a certain type of girl that will never be me.
I hate opening up to my mother. She doesn't help me or comfort me. I guess I often feel like it may be comforting to tell someone. In the moment, it sometimes is, but, in general, I always end up regretting it afterwards. I regret it, even now. She is always mean to me the day after I tell her about my feelings. I guess me being emotional reminds her of my dad, and that lets her anger out.
There is this dude I go to school with, and I’ve never even heard of him dating or liking any girls before. But anyway, I heard him talking about how he is taking a girl on a date soon. I really wish I could go on a date. I just want to experience it.. I don’t mean that I want to go with him, I just really want to go on a date with a boy I really like. One day, I guess. I feel like I’m in such a weird stage right now. When I was 13 and 14, I really wanted to date people. It faded away by 15, and now, I am almost 17, and I feel like I really want to date someone again. I am not lonely, persay, I just want to experience things. I definitely enjoy being alone much more than being in a relationship, so that is why it feels so wrong of me to want to date someone. I want to make cute gifts again. Maybe this is just me kind of getting my ‘spark’ back. I don’t really know how else to describe this, so let me explain. I used to love making little gifts for the people I liked, then, after one or two failed boyfriends, I stopped wanting to do that. I dread even gifting anyone anything, because I felt it to be too much work for someone who won’t even cherish me back. I still like giving things to my friends a little. I gave out these stickers of my art that I made, and only two people really cared about them 😭. I love them, though. They are in band with me. But yeah.
Okay, well, talking about myself and knowing someone may be reading feels so weird dud.. I know the blog is about me, but why do I feel so self centered? God damn 😭
I hope everyone has a nice day/night. Talk to you soon.
February 13, 2026
Today, I presented this GOD AWFUL slideshow for my personal finance class. We are definitely getting a bad grade, LOL. Though the project was annoying, it wasn't miserable because of the people I was grouped up with. I thought it was really funny when we started changing each other's slides as a joke (just adding and changing fonts,, not removing things). I moved a seat back to sit with them everyday this week. Well, not on Monday, but the rest of the school days. I don't know if I should sit there again next Monday or not. I want to have fun laughing with them again; if we ever get the chance. The thing is, I feel that people will make assumptions about me. I think I will be called a "pick-me girl," because everyone in that area is a boy. I just want to have fun at school. I want to do the things everyone else is doing. I want to have friends and people who I can freely laugh with over stupid things. No one else in that room shares any similarity of humor with me. The people in the group are the only ones with a similarity.
I wish I could just be a boy. I want to be funny and hang out with who I want to hang out with without it becoming some big problem and/or rumor. Misogony is deeply rooted in almost every miniscule interaction. I feel like... I will never escape it. People would be more likely to find me amusing and funny if I were a boy.
I dont think many men could see that and understand it in it's full capacity; how it must feel and what it must mean. I have said this before to a good friend of mine, and he told me in response that women are funnier and better to hang out with compared to dudes, in his experience. He told me about how he laughs so hard with his guy friends. But, I don't know, he may be an exception. I am curious as to what other men think and feel about this, but only if it exceeds my expectations. I guess this whole conversation is a bit misogonistic, too.
On Sunday, my mother and I are going to see the string quartet again. That will be fun, I hope. They are going to be playing music by Hans Zimmer.
I did my makeup and hair (tried to tease it a little. It looks both a mess and decent simultaneously). Both tomorrow and Sunday are some people's bithdays that I know. Tomorrow, I can definitely wish those two a happy birthday and stuff, but the one on Sunday, well, I don't know if they are expecting something from me. I don't really know much anymore. I will wish them a happy birthday, but I didn't get them a gift. I feel a bit uncomfortable around them now.
I am supposed to go to the prom, but I really dread it. I want to have a pretty dress, though. I wish so badly for some guy to give me one of those promposals. I think it will be so sweet if I actually like the guy. Unfortunatly, I'm quite sure this won't ever happen for me. I am going to go and be like Dustin from Stranger Things sitting in the corner all depressed when the slow dance music comes on. I won't even get a Nancy to dance with, either. LOL, DAMN.
Anyway, I hope that anyone who is reading this is currently doing well, and I sincerely wish you a happy Valentine's Day or a future happy Valentine's Day!!!!
February 11, 2026
this my final straw bc i just wrote a whole entry and it deleted ... im gonna type it somewhere else first and paste it
...okay, continued...
Yk when you listen to too much music and now you dont feel like listening to music anymore yeah thats me right now
Im so annoyed that everything got deleted but rookie mistake, i guess
Pfft
I was talking about my best friend and how we met but its one of those stories with a recool so i gotta wait until i feel like telling it again
I was listening to music on the bus otw home and it was loud, my headphone's volume, but that made me sleepier somehow. Im a really light sleeper so idk how i get so tired when i listen to music
I have this really cool online friend (besides my other online bsf who is on the top of the list) that i wanna hang out with. Hi, if you're reading this, you wont know who you are *monkey hiding eyes emoji*.